Three minutes

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Three minutes is all it took to break my heart. Seven years of waiting, two years of hard work and hoping, it’s over.

It started with a negative test at 5.30 yesterday morning followed by a sort of period, double barrel, just to make sure I know it’s not happening and I started crying. The final nail.

Our little poppets are no longer with us and our dream has gone again, for now. I need to try get the bad thoughts out of my head, I can’t let myself sink and I am trying really hard to keep it together. My eyes are all puffy and my head so sore, depression is setting in and hope has left the building. Nothing to look forward to for now.

So many people were willing us on and telling you all makes it ever harder to take the disappointment. With every message back, more tears and more sadness.

I told my Mum and Dad first and they’re both being strong, “you’ll try again, don’t give up”, but I know how much they wanted this for us, I know how much they will be hurting, same as you waiting to hear and reading this.

I hurt for me, for Shaun, I hurt for everyone who wanted this to work.

Shaun’s being the rock he always is but I know he’s devastated too, I wish I could make it better for him and I need to be strong for him too.

There will be another test, tomorrow, but the clinic sounded pretty sure yesterday, the test was negative, it isn’t good news. One percent chance maybe of a miracle, I just can’t keep hoping, I need to keep my feet on the ground, as stupid as this may sound, I knew it, I’m not lucky and even if this isn’t down to luck, it feels that way today.

I’m angry, deeply sad, embarrassed, I feel completely empty, useless, why me, I’m feeling sorry for myself, like I’m the only one. I know, I’m not. I don’t want to give up but for now I have, I don’t feel like posting a funny photo or promoting my Cuties, I can barely look at Dotty. I don’t feel like being strong.

I blame myself and the clinic of course, I know it’s not the truth, I’m jealous of people having babies for free. Angry at people who neglect their children. I’m angry at some of my rubbish friends who haven’t been supportive at all. Most of them unaware of what we have been going through in the last few years, too obsessed with themselves to think of anyone else.

Life carries on, Shaun had to work yesterday morning, I had a quiet look online, business as usual. George Clooney’s having twins and Matt Damon is overwhelmed by the news, turn the TV off. I feel so alone; I am isolating myself because the world is too painful right now.

I’m so sick of hurting because it’s everywhere I turn, I feel like a freak, can’t stand seeing babies. Anyway, who cares if I don’t go out, who cares if I exist, how many billion people in the world, who needs me to reproduce in the whole scheme of things?!

So many of you sending love, hugs and support, gutted for us, people trying to ring but I can’t speak, it’s too painful. Writing might seem silly at this point or like I want attention (I don’t), but I have been open all the way so this feels right and it might help me move forward and keep going just for one more day.

I’m officially an IVF “victim” not a word I like to use, nor do I think of myself as a victim but the hope of IVF has taken me and all I want to do is try again. I am a casualty of the greedy business of making babies.

We took this process step by step and we were so close, we stayed positive and hopeful, who knows how long the Poppets hang around for, an hour, a day, a week, we’ll never know, all we know is that they’ve probably gone. We’re back to square one, one step forward but so many back.

I need to get back to fighting as soon as possible, I have a year and a half left before I’m “too old”, more Cuties to adopt, more trying to make people smile and support our dream, more saving up for IVF.

Thank you so much to everyone who has been with us on this journey so far, thank you for getting us this far.

I will be back, just not today.