Lumps and bumps

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Hi everyone,

It has been ages since my last post, last blog was in May to be precise.

I have been putting this off for a while but I really feel like I should be updating those of you who follow me and my IVF journey. I was finally inspired today after reading my good friend Kat’s latest blog. She had some tips for bloggers one of which was, you don’t need to go on when you blog…

Well going on is what I do! I write pages and pages as you know. For me, it’s because unless it’s all in my head ready to be on paper, I can’t do it, so when I do do it, it all comes out. Still, shall I get on and update you with my IVF journey?

The last time I wrote, we were worried about my father’s health which I am glad to say has improved, thank you to everyone who got in touch to ask and sent good wishes.

We were also concerned about our Billy who had been diagnosed with kidney disease. Again, thank you for your kind wishes, Billy’s doing ok. He’s on a special diet and even though we know he’s not going to get any better, for now, he’s ok.

What is happening with IVF? Well, as you may remember from my last blog, I went on a diet and stopped smoking and I was walking every day.

Shaun and I also had our first appointment at the clinic which was very scary, we were tested for our fertility levels in terms of eggs and fishes and I am glad to report that we are both fine! That was a scary ten days of waiting, even though this is only a first step, when you have been waiting for as long as I have, it’s a huge step trust me. At least we can have a go at making a baby with our own genes, even if it’s going to be in a tube. It’s a silver lining.

So, everyone (doctors and specialists) was pleased, I had stopped smoking and my weight was coming down nicely, I kept pushing myself and walking more and more, eating healthy but less and still no smoking (it’s now been 4 months).

Then, one day, I was out walking with Shaun and suddenly it hit me, I couldn’t take another step, my whole body felt like it was going to shut down, I’ve never felt like this before, I had to stop. No energy and the lowest mood I’ve ever felt set in, utterly exhausted. I have spent the last six years on edge, the last two pushing myself day in day out to get up, get dressed, put a smile on and do my thing and now it’s time for me to have IVF, I have nothing left inside or so it feels.

I must admit that my anxiety levels are flying high, as always. When you are about to spend so much money on something you want so bad with such small odds, it freaks you out a lot, well it does me.

Also, I’ve worked harder in the last two years with madebysteffieb than I have worked for a long time and it looks like it’s taken its toll, especially the stress.

I took a time out, I didn’t have a choice as I couldn’t move, I started to put weight on again, devastated, every pound takes such effort to lose, it’s disheartening.

After a week or so, I felt I needed to start again, I even joined a class, aerobic, a fab class with a great teacher who immediately made me smile. I explained my issues to her and she told me she would help me.

In the meantime, about 3 weeks ago I discovered a lump in my throat, I was referred for an ultra sound quite quickly and the results were inconclusive, so this Friday, I have a biopsy. What is happening to me? I now have an awful cold I can’t shake off and after 4 weeks of aerobic four, five times a week where I have barely lost any weight (if anything I’m putting weight on) I’m back to being exhausted and of course now I can’t do anything, not even walk. Lupus is having a field day on my joints too!

I am so worried because I just can’t feel myself get any better right now and of course I think the worse is going to happen with my lump.

I have to say that as nice as the IVF clinic was, I do feel under huge pressures from them, we have decided to put things on hold for a couple of months until I get better. They have already warned me that some of the tests we have had done “won’t be valid forever” and so the threat of having to spend that money again is lurking.

But of course what would be the point of going for IVF when I feel so ill?

I also feel under pressure to have IVF NOW because of my age (as they keep telling me) and also because I don’t want to let the people who have supported me down… Pressure pressure pressure! I feel like I am going to burst.

I can’t give up MBSB and the Cuties, I just don’t want to, it’s my lifeline, it’s my contact with the outside world, it’s what I do to feel worth something in this crappy life, it’s my tiny business that I put together at the worst time of my life and it’s taken everything I had, literally. I’m still saving up for go two and three, not giving up hope… It’s given me a new bunch of friends and support I never dreamed I would find.

I know I need to slow it down a little bit but there is so much I would like to do with it, I don’t have enough hours in the day to do any of it.

Some of you may have noticed I’m a little quieter online at the moment, I don’t have the heart to chat much right now and I am also embarrassed that after banging on about saving up for IVF, now that I have the money I can’t quite get started.

I will say that I partly blame quitting smoking for all this, as much as it has been easier than I thought mentally, the physical side effects I am experiencing are horrendous and so far it’s done me no favours.

I am going to try really hard to slow down, my head, my body, it’s the only way I am going to recuperate and be well enough to have IVF because it is my ultimate goal. Shaun keeps saying, do nothing, craft, relax, he’s so good at looking after me but I’m rubbish at doing nothing.

This is a relatively short blog for me, it’s where I am, I’m keeping everything crossed that the biopsy comes back as nothing and I hope you’ll still stick around.

I do hope everything is good with you and I’m sending you lots of love,