Hello everyone… It’s that time again.
Yesterday I nearly gave up. (Spoiler alert: this blog ends well)
The last few days have been dreadful, slowly but surely my stress levels have hit the roof, I’m anxious most days and last night it all got too much.
I decided it just wasn’t working. I text Shaun around five pm and told him, I give up.
Not because it’s too hard or because I don’t want to have IVF anymore of course, just because I’m exhausted, knackered, I am emotionally redundant, aching all over.
I feel like all I do is complain, I have no time for anyone around me, let alone myself, I’m snappy, sad, angry, upset, everything I don’t want to be and I’m almost 42, another thing I don’t want to be just yet.
I’m SO happy to have found you all. I probably have around 50 people who consistently support me. Some of you have a Cutie, some of you have donated, we laugh together, we cry together, we text, we help each other out. We’re friends.
Then there are around another 100 other people who have Cuties out there, watching quietly or maybe not even watching, but at some point they have been there for me. They have believed in me, they’ve helped me and I thank everyone from the bottom of my heart.
So what’s wrong with me?!
If I was a business I would be so happy and proud of myself, obviously the fact that I am saving up for IVF is a huge factor and perhaps if it wasn’t for that I wouldn’t have half the support I have.
A part of me also hopes that some of my achievements are down to some kind of leftover business skills I once had, or even something else I do that you like. I love what I do with a passion.
I don’t see myself as a business, in my mind I’m just a nuisance who won’t stop going on about needing help to have a baby.
I actually drive myself mad repeating it day in, day out.
The significance of this “saving up for IVF” tagline I use so often no longer registers in my mind and I almost can’t bear to write it anymore.
My “business” is basically me hoping that some of you will have some form of empathy towards my situation and will want to support me. I am not really a business.
I feel a little disheartened about my competition. I always put my heart in everything I do but as you saw, the competition has been extended another week. Despite all our hard work, and by our hard work I mean yours and mine, we didn’t get to 10 entries on time.
I feel so lucky to have met Georgia. I mean, who gets to have an actual artist offer to help by recreating a little woolly character for you? Just because she wanted to help me. I absolutely love what she did for me and I am so proud of these illustrations.
I wasn’t too sure about what to do for the best with them and initially they were made for cards. That was until I had the idea of Dotty’s summer bags. I just couldn’t come up with a handmade card I liked enough to use.
But as I do love all sorts of crafts, and I think it’s good for the soul to create things, I thought, perhaps children would enjoy making their own cards. I also thought it may give parents a little break…
I’d love to make Dotty into a star, I love her and she keeps me going.
Of course I’m also not Disney, I can’t just put something out there and expect that automatically people will like it.
And yes, I would love to have an actual successful business, who wouldn’t? But my main motivation for doing what I do is to have a go at having a baby.
I don’t care if we never get to live in a mansion, or I don’t get to ever own an old golf GTI (must be GTI…), the pressure on my shoulders is very different.
That’s why I wanted to quit. I’m struggling to handle the pressure of waiting for someone to adopt a Cutie, enter the competition, get a card, help me and share, donate, anything, everyday, every night, seven days a week.
The previously mentioned online “disputes” have not ceased really so I don’t take part in anything anymore, everyday I lose opportunities.
If I’m going to do what I do then I can’t deviate from my goal to embark on a crusade to sort the Internet out. I’ve just moved on, life is too short.
So, last Friday night, I was watching The Last Leg on TV and you may have heard of how they asked everyone to start using #legup on Twitter to ask for help and also to offer help.
With all the latest government cuts and people struggling, they thought that perhaps we could just all help each other out.
I popped on twitter to have a look, initially there were a few were jokes, silly things and also some rude replies… there’s always one or ten or a hundred isn’t there?
I looked throughout the evening and shared a few people who grabbed my attention. I didn’t tweet myself; I didn’t feel comfortable in doing so at the time. I didn’t think I deserved the help compared to the hundreds who need urgent medical care, children who are poorly, etc etc.
I saw a guy asking for a celebrity to cheer his sister up. She’s in hospital with a second attack from bloody cancer. He hadn’t got one share so I shared him, I sent a picture of Dotty to send our best as well. I told him, she’s not really famous but it doesn’t mean she can’t make people smile.
I followed the #legup for a couple of days trying to share a few more people.
Then a couple of days ago I did sent a tweet out, in the middle of the night of course. I’m shy!
I said “Hey, we make people smile everyday but we’re saving up for IVF and we need help.” I added my gofund page and a photo of Dotty.
I got retweeted a couple of times and a few people wished me luck.
Yesterday was a proper crappy day and I got so fed up in the afternoon, on edge, shaking, unbearable to be around. I just didn’t want to feel like this anymore, So I thought, I’ll stay offline last night and maybe even today, maybe for a week, or two, or maybe forever.
This thing I do, my cause, is just not worthy enough for me to make it.
I sat on the sofa, watched the soaps from start to finish for the first time in a long time. I got my crochet out and starting making orders I am behind on, doing what I love, crafting, focusing on something else, giving my brain a break.
It was lovely. I was almost at peace with taking a break and just letting go for a while, I felt calmer.
Then my phone beeped. An email. I checked it. It was a donation and I had no idea who the person was but he mentioned #legup on his message. So I had a look on Twitter (I know!) but I’m glad I did.
His name is Connor and he’s spending the week trawling through #legup and giving one person a day a five pound donation for the whole week.
My brain woke up again and I thought, no I can’t give up!
You all know how amazing Shaun is by now and of course he won’t let me give up, but he sees me struggle day in day out and it’s tough on him.
I’ve grown to know you all better and I love you all so much, we’re friends now. I know you’re there for me doing what you can everyday and I don’t ever take you for granted.
They say about random acts of kindness and this one was completely unexpected.
You know me, I was straight on there, thanking Connor, I was genuinely touched to have been picked by someone I didn’t know and who didn’t know me. Our chats even got favourited by The Last Leg people!
Then, a lovely girl called Sandra got in touch with me. Sandra is putting together a list of people who need help and of people who want to help. She is doing this with John. It’s as much as I know at the moment as I’ve not had time to read through it all yet but from what I have seen already, their website looks impressive.
Then another random act of kindness, Sandra listed me on there. And then she got in touch and she has adopted a Cutie! Little Lexi has a new home.
There is also a group started on twitter called Help Leg Up, they too are helping to spread the word.
They shared me when I first tweeted and last night they suggested it would be nice to see a Cutie in the next show…. As if! How cool would that be though?!
I looked at Shaun and he knew there was going to be a post, another late night for me.
I had a proper look through Connor’s twitter feed and I noticed that he had a gofund page up himself.
He’s trying to raise money for a particular Care Home who looked after his Auntie who just passed away. He wants to say thank you for looking after her so well.
It’s a no brainer, I donated five pound right back to him for the home.
I ended up chatting to Connor until about 2.45 am, very nice young man.
He said that my gratitude meant a lot and that people’s reactions to his donations had distracted him from feeling down. I am the owner of a very fake Banksy… It’s a painting of a little girl with a balloon and a capture that says, “There is always hope”.
It seems there is, even in the darkest of times.
So, I’ve made a few new friends, which I wanted to share with you because clearly, they’re as brilliant as you are.
I’m so glad these TV guys decided to start the #legup.
When Connor donated to me last night, he left a message on my page to apologise he couldn’t donate more.I made sure I told him, it’s not about how much he could give, it’s just the fact that he did what he did and when he did it. Connor saved me last night and I thanked him for it.
I’ve been posting a card for the last week that says “We need more people like you in the world”. That was sent to me by another dear friend I have made online, Katrina, just to make me smile.
But really, I need more people like YOU in the world.
So no, I’m not giving up, just recharging for a day or two.