Another sleepless night

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It’s 2.40 am, everyone is asleep, there’s a big thunderstorm going on outside… It must be time for a blog!

How are you?

The last couple of weeks have been quite stressful. My birthday is coming up, 42, time is marching on. I don’t feel much like celebrating.

Birthdays are a little bit like Christmas, happy times for some, a time to remember for others.

To me they’re both the same, meh.

So I’ll be 42, my family is well, my friends are well, I have a roof over my head, food in my cupboard, my campaign is ticking over I have love around me.

If I compare this year to the last, I’ve achieved something. I’ve build Madebysteffieb and I’m still alive.

I’ve met some amazing people, I’ve met not so nice ones, I’ve had some great laughs and a couple of upsets.

Given that I didn’t want to do this at all, overall I’d say that I’m glad I did.

For those of you who read my last blog I was pretty upset. The only update I have on that is that all the rubbish that happened has cost me some of my supporters and it’s interfered with my first ever fundraiser. So thank you very much for getting in the way of something you’ll never experience. But as long as you’re alright then it’s ok.

On the other hand and despite this “episode” I’ve met some lovely new people, I’ve learnt lessons and I now know who my friends are. It’s not that I didn’t know before, you can’t expect everyone to like you, but I didn’t realise how dirty some people are willing to play just to look after themselves so to speak.

Someone else restarted on me last week, just an average troll, jealousy, bitterness, whatever these people live on… It’s been going on for years.

My blogs reflect how I feel at the time I write them and I talk about whatever is in my head.

Everyone is entitled to an opinion and I am more than happy to have discussions with sensible people. What I don’t understand and find quite disturbing is why anyone would take something that is dear to you and try to trash it.

I’m not dumb enough to think that bad people don’t exist. But I don’t get why they do what they do, what is their motivation, what’s their aim? Is it because they feel bad about themselves but instead of owning up and asking for help they’re rather destroy someone else’s life? Is it because they’re just completely mad? Do you know?

I’m trying to get enough money together to TRY to have a baby. There are no guarantees, the chances of me not getting there are higher than the chances of me getting there.

I wouldn’t wish the despair that this is causing me on my worst enemy. I’m still up at 3am writing when I’ve been on the computer since 9 am yesterday.

I’m shaking, angry, stressed, anxious, everything I shouldn’t put online. But that’s me.

Why would anyone copy and paste passages of my blog on some random forum and viciously comment about it? Almost laughing at me, hoping to destroy me even more than I already feel?

I’ve never claimed to be some kind of guru. I’m no scrounger and I definitely don’t want pity. They’d know that if they really knew me but they don’t.

So, I’ll probably face some kind of retribution for writing this but I don’t care anymore. This post brings an end to this torture.

I’m not getting sucked into this poisonous environment. This poison has been going on for around six years on and off.

Being told of the comments made about me made me feel like there were some kind of underlying threats. Twisted soul.

I don’t know much about many people online, I don’t ask, everyone has a life and it’s up to them what they say about to other people. I’ve got enough stuff of my own and I don’t like to be nosey.

This person won’t let me be, as I told the police last week, they won’t let me be until I’m dead. I’m not allowed to conduct my campaign in peace, I have to live with the constant knowledge that this person is waiting for an opportunity to ruin my life.

Once again I don’t need pity and I am not their victim, I’m not scared of them as such, maybe I’m a little scared of the way they make me feel at times though. There is an edge and sometimes I’m on it.

I don’t need anyone to start attacking these people or defend me, I just need to keep doing what I’m doing and trust in the fact that my friends know me.

So, here are two facts about me which I didn’t particularly want to cross over with my Cuties but there you go.

Fact one: I spent six years from 2002 campaigning for a miscarriage of justice. A friend of mine was convicted of a crime he said he didn’t commit. I read through the case papers and formed an opinion. None of it made much sense to be honest but something didn’t look right. He asked me for help. So I made a website, I got together a new team of lawyers and experts to look at the case again. I had some MPs on board, great support organisations, press people, great supporters. I did well with the campaign considering social media barely existed back then. No shares, no likes. It had some good names attached to it and a team who fully believed in his innocence. I was working full time and doing this along side my job and at night, no time for relationships, no babies.

After six years of working pretty hard, my support was no longer required so I left the campaign. Someone else took over and around a year later the online hounding started.

Sometimes I got really mad and engaged with it, but mostly I didn’t. You can’t reason with some people. Now seven years later it’s all ended in tears. My friend plunged into more despair, he got into all sort of bad things. In the end he even admitted to the crime. Just over a year ago, he killed himself. The case is closed but the hassle doesn’t go away.

The lies about me, the empty threats, the constant goading, it never ends. I just choose to mostly ignore it. I have friends who let me know it’s happening.

Was he guilty? I honestly hand on heart would not have helped someone had I known they were lying. As far as I’m concerned I’ve still not seen any plausible evidence that he was lying. I see a lot of mind games and clever planning and in the end an act of complete despair. Do miscarriages of justice happen? Yes they do. I’m still in touch with people I met then, even victims of miscarriages of justice who are now friends. It happens more than we know.

Fact two When I was pregnant I was temping for a bank, I miscarried and had five days off. I was alone and had bills to pay so even though I was very poorly I went back to work. About two weeks later I was watching the news and it said that the boss of that particular bank was earning somewhere in the region of seven thousand pounds per hour, I was on seven. I was late on my rent, lost my baby and not quite back to myself. I was with a friend and we were laughing about it, I got on my Facebook (when I still had one) and just wrote that I didn’t think it was fair. Ten minutes later, something else came on the news, we were chatting to another friend online and I changed my status to something else. Forgot about it. Idiot! Freedom of speech and all that. Anyway, the next day a few people were acting weird around me at work, it turned out I was “grassed up” to a manager for my status. I didn’t think it was as offensive as his wages but clearly I broke the bank “law”. I offended the grand banker who didn’t even know about it at the time, why would he look at my Facebook and if it wasn’t for me on seven pound an hour, he wouldn’t be on seven grand.

So long story short, did I want to apologise? Nope.

Did I realise how much work this man does? I said there was only 24 hours in a day and people starving all over the place so I didn’t feel bad for him. I walked just before they got rid of me. I had another job starting a month later, I told my future boss and he had no issue with it, I had known him for years. In the meantime I had nothing, no rent money, no food money, no petrol money. I was still quite sick as well.

So I looked online and found a magazine to basically sell my story to, to make rent. Cheap I know, but desperate to make it through the month without losing my flat, my car, one month. Sadly the some papers got hold of it, bullies being mean, you get called all sorts of course. My fault really but still again, people who don’t know you or why you sometime do the things you do. Perfect people with perfect lives.

So there you are.

I just don’t think that this kind of very kind of personal information was relevant or required on top of the daily torture that is infertility but It seems I don’t have a choice. I won’t be held hostage by anyone and my Cuties won’t be telling anyone anything, I just have!

Please feel free to contact me directly if you want to ask me anything, I kind of hope that you don’t, because it’s nothing to do with my mission.

I could be working on something more productive or even asleep as it’s almost 4.30 am but nevermind, I feel free. I’m not ashamed to be a survivor.

I’ve almost finished writing up my gofund page, I want to raise as much as I can to give myself the best chances (my last chance), so I need to use any way I can to get there. I’ve got a great newsletter coming out any day now with Dotty’s drawings and a fab competition for children, please help me. I might even cheer up for my birthday since my Mum is staying with me and my boyfriend is the best.

So, I really I hope you will still support me, I hope you’ll still help me spread the word but most of all I hope that I still have your respect.

Good night, take care and be kind each other.