The end of the road

2018-08-01

Hello everyone,

I just turned 45; I have been told by my specialists, GP and nurse, it’s over, it would be too unsafe given my health issues/age, no more IVF for me.

It’s taken me a while and a few attempts to write this, I’m not sure I have taken it in fully yet to be honest.  I have been changing my profiles online for some time now but I also wanted to let you know. No more saving up for IVF. 

I have been talking to a few close friends about it in the last few weeks, a little apprehensive of the responses I might get when I tell everyone; it really can’t be worse than how I already feel trust me!  My heart is broken.

I have been quieter on social media for a while, this is why.

I don’t have many options really, accept it, try to find some kind of peace in my mind and make a different life, or give up. 

I’m not sure how to handle all the thoughts in my mind right now, all I know is that I can’t give up on Shaun, Matt and Rosie.

I have been under pressure since 2010, desperately trying to conceive; one miscarriage, two years of excruciating pain, mentally it wasn’t great either.  One round of failed IUI, three operations; each unsuccessful, losing my natural ability to conceive, three years of the hardest work I’ve ever done given the goal and under the circumstances.

Finally, our first round of IVF, initially going well, with you, my friends, all waiting for the good news, after standing by me for so long, going on and on… Saving up for IVF, day in, day out!

Sadly it wasn’t ok, such a massive disappointment (understatement) lots of crazy hormones and then the sudden break, pregnancy interrupted I call it.  If you’ve ever had a miscarriage you’ll understand.  Your body changes, your mind prepares; the moment you take that test and it’s positive, that’s it forever.  You’re a mother, no matter what.

During IVF, with the strong dosage of hormones, I was so high, smiling, I couldn’t help it, I felt good, better than I had in a long long time, probably since I was pregnant in 2010, I felt “happy” and so hopeful that it was my turn.

Afterwards, it was hell, the “comedown” was horrendous, I lost my mind and it’s not been long since I’ve started to feel myself again, a year and a half later…

I was the most depressed I’ve ever been, so anxious I couldn’t go out alone for over 6 months, suicidal thoughts every morning when I woke up and every night at bed time; they are the hardest to shake off.  There is no escaping your hormones, things have to run their course.  So you sit tight.

I will never forget our two little poppets, I still have the picture from when they were implanted.  I couldn’t keep them safe and they didn’t make it.  I do blame myself, there is nothing wrong with Shaun, it’s all me.

Afterwards, I still got up every day, locked indoors but working hard, supported by Shaun and my Mum, I carried on.

If money was no object I would have IVF every month until it worked (dangerous or not) or I would pay a surrogate, I’d try anything. But of course it isn’t the case, the devastation in my heart feels like I’m missing a part of me, I am completely incomplete, forever.  

When I sit and think quietly about “the end of the road”, it takes my breath away, it’s everything to me.

No buying baby clothes, no cuddles, no mother’s day card, no tiny feet, no first time walking, first day at school, no first Christmas, no first word. I always wondered what my child would look like, be like… 

Really messes with your head this, hence my current silence.  I thought that life would just happen, this has made me question everything. What is the point of me, what is my life about if the one thing I want most is never going to happen?  I don’t know.

A tiny part of my brain has shut down from this, it’s too much. I need some calmness from the pressure of trying to raise the funds smiling whilst getting over the first round, considering the pretty much 100% guaranteed failure again and the prospect of another year + feeling despicable.   I don’t have the strength anymore.  I feel like life is just passing me by, I’m sick of typing those three letters IVF, sick of begging people for help.

I’m completely lost; desperately trying to retain enough sanity to reason with myself during the low moments, throwing myself in working on my little shop to at least have something positive come out of the last four years and keep that going.

The point is that’s it and it is the end of this road for me.

So, that’s it my darlings, I’m deeply sad, p*ssed off, angry, heartbroken, confused, lost, terrified about the future, unsure of myself, isolated and alone, hopeless but trying to be hopeful that there will be more to my life than this.

I’m fine, but I’m not. 

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has ever supported us, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for giving me a chance to try.  I could not have done it without you and I am sorry if I have disappointed any of you.  I’m sorry I don’t have more to say on the matter for now, I don’t want to go on or be boring.  As you might appreciate, it’s a really difficult time.

I am definitely keeping madebysteffieb which is now my official business.

Please keep in touch and keep us in mind, a new website is on its way very soon as well.

If you have subscribed to my new emails, thank you.  I will start up newsletters again soon with new products and updates…  “Life goes on”.

I don’t have the words to express how grateful I am to you all, thank you for giving me hope for the last 4 years and for standing by me.  

All my love and a million thank yous,

Steffie x

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